Disappointment brings Hope

After 9 months of trying to get pregnant, I finally did. There is nothing like that first feeling you get when you see the test read positive. I really couldn't believe it. I went out to the store and bought two more. This time it was the digital read out that say pregnant and I finally believed it had happened. I couldn't wait to get a doctor's appointment! The earliest doctor's appointment I could get was still two weeks away. So for the next week I would catch myself rubbing my stomach in happiness. Mom was so excited when I told her on Mother's Day. We were inviting David's parents over for dinner to tell them on the day after my doctor's appointment. Friday came, the day I had to go to the doctor's. I was so excited sitting in the waiting room barely able to wait to see my little pea sized baby. Then as I laid there on the table looking at the screen worry kicked in. They could not find anything that would say I was pregnant. How could this be? Unless 5 pregnancy tests were all faulty, I couldn't understand. The doctor wanted me to come back the next week because it might have just been to early to see anything. This was not the happy news I wanted to hear. And not to my knowledge yet but it wasn't even the worst news to hear.
The next week came and I left work a little early to go to the doctor. David met me there. I had my hopes up. We did another ultrasound and again nothing. By this time I would be either 7 or 8 weeks pregnant and they would be able to see something. So the doctor took David and I into her office and explained what was going on. Apparently, I had an ectopic pregnancy. I had done my research and was really scared because of course the baby can't survive but also because in most cases they need surgery to remove it. The doctor gave us a few options. One being that I would have surgery to remove it but risk losing my right fallopian tube increase the chance of never being able to had kids or I could have a round, possible two rounds of chemo to desentigrate it.
When I got to the car I busted out crying. Here I thought finally I was given the most precious gift for it to just be taken away. It hurt so bad thinking it was so close to being real.
David was also very dissappointed. I could see it in his face. He had just gotten used to the idea he was going to be a daddy.
Now what we really needed was a miracle to happen. The doctor said that by some chance it might miscarry on its own which is the best shenerio for an ectopic pregnancy but she wouldn't count on it. So now here we were actually praying to lose the baby. A few days later that prayer had been answered. I miscarried the pregnancy so I didn't have to choose which way to terminate it.
I am very disappointed but I know that when it's meant to be it will happen for me. At lest now I know that I am able to get pregnant which was a question that has been answered after 9 months of wondering.

Dream

Last night I had a dream that felt very real. We were at my grandparent's house for my grandpa's birthday which is in two days and we were sitting around the table talking. I was listening to my grandma talk and then she asked me a question. As I began to respond to her something strange happened. I realized that my grandma had died and just then I had noticed that my family was looking at me wondering who I was talking to. Just then it became clear to me that grandma was not there but she was to me. I could see her but they couldn't. She was sitting right there in a chair by the table but only I could see and hear her. I began to explain to my family that I could see and hear grandma but I just didn't know how to make them believe me. Luckily, I guess, I woke up so I didn't have to but in a way I didn't want to wake up because grandma seemed so real that I could have talked about anything. Unfortunately, that is not possible. Well, I guess I can still talk to her but she won't respond as real as in my dream. All I know is that I really miss her.

Date Nite

Yesterday David and I decided to go eat at CiCi's to get out of the house. I didn't feel like cooking really but was going to when David mentioned CiCi's. Of course I jumped at the question to go. As we were siting and I was waiting for David to finish eating I began thinking that I just didn't feel like going home yet. So I came up with a movie idea. Since Blockbuster was right across the street and I have a dvd player in my car I thought we could go rent a movie and go out to the Lakefront and watch it in the backseat of my car. So thats what we did. He actually bought four movies cause it was 4 for $20. We went out to the lake and parked and got in the back seat and just watched the movie. We had cokes and cookies and surround sound. It was really cool. I enjoyed it very much. It was something different and very cheap. We both enjoyed it so much that we went and did it again today. But this time we picked up Cane's and ate it during the movie. I recommend this cheap date to any couple. Try it. Its unusually fun.

Grandma's Poem

Grandma’s Poem

Yesterday we laid her to rest at her final resting place.

She's gone to see Jesus, gone to touch his face.
A woman with a heart of gold with a lot of love to give
taken to a better place among angels where she can live,
She feels no more hurting and feels no more pain
she doesn't have to think she is a burden and causing so much strain.
She is free to fly above us watching over you and me
And I know she’s up there watching who I turn out to be.
She will always be with me in my soul, my mind, my heart,
I will carry her for always we will never be apart.
And the memories she gave me will always stay with me
and bring back happy times of who she used to be.
She was such a caring woman, brave and very strong,
She didn't have a problem telling you when you were wrong
She put up with a lot and never did she complain
Even when it was a lot of work for one woman to maintain.
She gave to her family and served her husband right
And even when he teased her she wouldn't back down the fight.
She wasn't afraid to say what was ever on her mind
And if you didn't behave she put the belt to your behind
She was a true example of a woman and who I would like to be
And I am glad she is my Grandma and that forever she will be with me.

I will miss you but love you and never forget you.

Rest With God I will see you again.

P.S. Grandma it never mattered who your favorite was. It only mattered that you were our favorite GRANDMA!

Love Always,
Tracey Puleo Longworth

LETTING IT ALL OUT

I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog. These past couple of months haven't been the best for me. It seems things just keep going downhill. In April of last year my family lost my Great Aunt Gloria. In October, after fighting 7 long painful heartbreaking months we lost my most loved Grandmother and I can't seem to get over it. Then at the beginning of December we found out that my Great Aunt Louise was told she only has three months to live because they have exhausted all other means of trying to rid her body of a liver tumor. Then right before Christmas another great aunt died. Also, 7 seven months of trying to get pregnant but unsuccessful. On top of that David lost his job and now we solely are relying on my paycheck while he is trying to get his own business up and running. Wait, I am not down yet, but I can't mention my uncle yet for lack of knowledge in my family about knowing whats going on with him. I am tired of cancer, tired of lost, and tired of the rampage change in everything in my life right now. They say that the first years of marriage are the best. If this is the best I don't want to know about the future.